In search of a Great Perhaps

It's been a too long time since I last felt motivation of any sorts. Motivation to learn, to experience, to seek, to challenge myself. Hell, even to get out of bed in the morning! And while I'm sure almost everyone can relate to that, there is just so much amount of guilt clouding my mind because of this lack of activity in general.

I'm an over-thinker. I think too much, way too much for my own good. And I'm not bragging for saying that, I am actually belittling myself because for the amount of time I spend just looking at white walls I should have come up with revolutionary ideas by now. But there is just nothing concrete.

I think of books, of characters in movies, I analyze them and I feel like I want to be not like them, but themselves in their own time and space. I think of changes that I want to make in my life, but they never occur. I think of people that I want out of my life, but I never shoo them away. I think of the people I want to meet, people who will make me discover myself, who will teach me how to live, how to breathe, how to move again.

I want more, always more, but I never reach out to get it. I think of what lies there, beyond my perimeters of sight and I could only imagine the glory of discovering it. But I don't step outside my comfort zone. Instead, I do what's easier and I reach only for the nearest book. And if that book is utter crap I can't even be asked to find another.

Let's be honest here, this is a case of a minor lazy and comfortable depression. There is only the concept of seeking, no the actual action. It's always like that with me, too much thinking, dreaming about something and nothing materializes in the palm of my hand.

What am I waiting for?

In the words of Rabelais, I want to start searching for that Great Perhaps. Not tomorrow, not next week, but NOW.

And on that optimistic note, I shall go to bed. Because it's late and I'm sleepy and real word is approaching quickly with a new day of boring lectures and seminars that give me nothing but desperation. They make me realize how far I am from even beginning to search for that Great Perhaps. Who knows if I'm even destined to find it.

Yours truly lazy,
C.